Monday, August 17, 2015

Broken, again








I've got writer's block.

And I'm on a precipice.

I'm always on a precipice; it feels like.I'm constantly walking this edge between stability and falling into oblivion. I'm getting so sick of this constant battle between staying sane and letting go. You've no clue just how much I want to let go, and let the chips fall where they will sometimes.Every time I get into an argument and I feel myself getting closer to snapping, I wonder, 'Is this it? Is this going to be the final straw?'


Although I really took what Finnick Odair said to heart, 'It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.' God knows I've fallen apart and put myself back together enough times to know picking up the pieces frickin blows, but this staying strong when it feels like agony is for the birds. Endure til the end. That's what I'm taught. But this just feels like it's never going to effing end.

I'm trying so hard to feel things, and I get awful close to an emotion, and I almost feel it, but then I recoil, super fast. It's torture.

So my blog is struggling, once again. I want to write, every day. But because I'm having so many issues with my emotions, and being vulnerable, the words can't come out of my brain onto the keyboard.

In exciting news though, one of my articles is going to be published! I dared greatly, and The Mighty picked it up to feature! I can't wait! Well, I can wait, I'm terrified, but I'm so excited at the same time! And I'm continuing to step out and be seen, although Scary Mommy rejected my other article, I submitted it to HuffPo this morning, and I'm nervously waiting to see what happens there.

I think I'm going to start my book. I've got a few chapters outlined. And I've got my journals from my teens out in my garage. I kind of want to go through them. I'm not sure if I'm in a good spot emotionally yet to handle that or not, I'm going to talk to my therapist about that, but I know I'm getting closer to being ready. That's always good right? I want to get my charts from my hospital stays from the last decade, and go through them, and start writing. This is the closest I've ever been to being really serious about getting it done. It feels scary, but doable now. And that's huge for me! Wow.

Hopefully this writer's block lifts soon and I get my ideas back. I've got so many ideas I want to touch on, but the words just won't come. I'll get there though, I'll get there. 

5 comments:

  1. Our blog writing and struggles seem so similar. Glad I came across your blog. ♡

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad you've found your way here too! What's your blog so I can check it out as well?

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    2. I'd appreciate that :)
      It's www.daisiesanddarkness.com

      Xxx

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  2. Hi Tricia!

    Im sorry as im horrible at replying to emails.. lol... but I got your message about doing a guest blog and im going to email you shortly... I just wanted to pop in and say hi and I love your blog!

    Joe
    aka TheManicMedic

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  3. We would love to feature one of your articles at www.realimprints.org if you are interested! You can also check out our Partner With Us Page (www.realimprints.org/partner-with-us) Thank you for being willing to share your story and journey with others! You help more than you know! If you're interested in submitting an article, please send it to partner@realimprints.org.

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