Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Day 23: Seroquel, really?

I'm putting it out there. I hate Seroquel. I know it is an amazing drug and it does wonders for people, but I still hate it. Never mind the fact that it probably helped keep me out of the hospital back when I was pregnant with my last born, or that it's helped stabilize me where other drugs have failed. I still despise and detest it. Why such strong feelings you ask? Because it turns me into a zombie. And it makes me fat. I gain so much weight when I'm on it, it's as bad as Zyprexa.

So why am I bringing all this up now? It's probably because my doctor has put me BACK on Seroquel. I've really been struggling lately, (I'm sure you've noticed my lack of a blog a day like I was so vamped to do), and he feels that it's the best (read: last resort) option available.

I tried going back on it a few weeks ago, and gained 9 pounds in one week. Nine pounds! I quit it, and I've lost 6 of those pounds, but still. I've officially gotten super overweight again. It breaks my heart.

But I'm desperate. I've felt so down and bleak these last few weeks. And for no reason what so ever. Everything has gotten to me. Everything has set me on edge, everything pushes my buttons. I hate living that way, and I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like nothing matters, like I can't function, like I'm a failure, and like I'm not worth the effort.

So, I did the cost-benefit analysis of staying off the Seroquel versus going back on it. I weighed the pros of Seroquel; like feeling better in general, not feeling so down, (eventually) having more energy, and overall feeling more up. The cons include the weight gain, which leads to decreased self esteem, and the zombie like fatigue, which makes daily functioning impossible until it wears off, and the irritation I feel at being on a drug I simply do not like. After having weighed all these factors, I knew I needed to go back on the drug. It depresses me, but I've got to do what's best for me, even when what's best for me doesn't feel like the best thing.

What about you? Have you done something that you absolutely despise because you knew it would ultimately be good for you? How often do you do cost-benefit analysis on things in your life? Do you find these introspective moments helpful? Let me know in the comments what's worked for you, or what hasn't!
Initial Thoughts

1 comment:

  1. (((Hugs))) Seroquel isn't fun. But neither is uncontrolled symptoms that are spiraling you down a path that's no good.

    A friend of mine posted an article today about learning to be good at being uncomfortable and how fear of discomfort and trying to avoid discomfort leads us to do things that aren't necessarily good or healthy. It seems you are making a healthy choice and will learn how to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation because your cost benefits analysis indicates it's your best option as a last resort.

    Blessings,
    Kina

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