I don't write much anymore because I don't feel like I can do it justice. I want to write something moving, something poignant. But I can't always do that. And so I keep my thoughts locked away. I've been thinking for months now that I should come back to the blogosphere, but fear has kept me away. Fear of what exactly, I'm not sure.
My life has gone through a massive upheaval since I practically abandoned this blog last November. Suffice it to say I'm not the same starry eyed school girl who had fond aspirations of getting noticed by someone and becoming a popular bipolar blogger one day. Now I'm much grimmer, more real, almost more grittier in a way.
I've been holding it together rather well for awhile now. The end of last year got a little rocky when I had a couple trips back to the hospital, but then I pulled myself back together, got a job even, and started trying to really live life purposefully. It seemed I was even making some positive changes. I haven't missed a day of taking my meds since I got out of the hospital last year. I'm off the Xanax totally. No more benzos for me, even though I can assure you the stress in my life is still here. I'm coping with it with the tools I've learned in therapy, and not with benzos. I guess maybe I started to get a little cocky or something.
Because then shit got really hard. While I was off in la-la land thinking life was fine, so I could just work on me, all the relationships around me were falling apart. My kids needed me, my oldest desperately needed me, and somehow, I didn't notice that my husband had totally tapped out of our marriage entirely. I woke up one day to find everything in shambles around me, and me having only pieces of my coping skills I'd learned, and that was about it.
I had to do do some major reevaluating of my life at that moment. Sure, I'd been trying to improve myself, but obviously I hadn't been doing enough.
Although if we're being completely honest here, the people around me hadn't been pulling their weight either, I mean, the husband realized he couldn't give 0% effort in the marriage and pin all the problems on me, yet expect the marriage to be healthy and thrive. There were other nastier issues he had that were destroying our marriage as well, but we won't dwell on that. The oldest realized she couldn't be angry and bitter and pin all her frustrations on everyone else but herself, and this realization has led to a massive restructuring of our relationship, completely for the better, I'm happy to say. I wish the marriage was as easy to fix as the relationship with the oldest has been. It's been months of hard work, with only moderate progress being made in that department, and it's so damn frustrating. It feels like one step forward and fifteen steps back. All the effing time. All the time.
So since I can't change anyone else, only me; back to me. What did I do when I realized my life was crashing down around me? I looked at what I could change of course! What did the husband want me to change to save our marriage? He hated who I became at night when I took my Ambien, he said I because a different person, and he couldn't handle that person, and he'd reached his limit. He'd reached his limit years ago actually, and I'd never taken him seriously when he'd told me before. So, I quit the Ambien. Done. What else could I do? I could be less sarcastic. That one's been a lot harder. I've tried to be a better listener. I've tried to be more compassionate. I've tried to not jump the gun and take offense so quickly. All of these things are things I screw up on so much. I'm really not good at it at all. I'm so scared that I'm not making progress in those areas at all, and the way we communicate is so broken. We've spent years not talking to each other, but talking at each other, and changing that is hard.
I've recently been told that change is hard, and people get comfortable in their misery, and when they do try to change, the hurt of that change is too much, so they slink back into the misery and stay there. It's only when escaping the pain of the status quo is more bearable than the anguish of living the daily torment you're currently in, that's when you'll finally stretch out of your misery and embrace the pain that comes with change. It's been said that pain is just weakness leaving the body, right? Relish the thought of it leaving you.
Why am I telling you all of these things? I don't know actually. It's been said before that we're only as sick as our secrets. And I'm so freaking tired of having secrets. I'm so worn down right down. And exhausted. And depressed. I can't keep going on like this. I know this isn't my most poignant post ever. But it's from the heart. Value those relationships you have with the people you love. Cherish those people around you. Most of all, value the relationship you have with yourself. Respect yourself. Treat yourself gently. Treat yourself kindly. With compassion. Tenderly. People treat you only one way. The way you allow them to treat you.